Fake News: France Desperately Tries to Surrender to Itself

President Chirac is reportedly frantically seeking the leader of the rioting "youths" who have wrought destruction in Paris and other parts of France. He hope hopes to tender an unconditional surrender to such a leader. If he succeeds, it will mark the first time France has surrendered to itself in this century.

Critics say his efforts have so far proved fruitless because the disaffected rioters lack organization and therefore have no leader. Supporters dispute such claims, and continue to cry for self-capitulation. Thierry Breton, the French Minister of Finance, has found a silver lining to the crisis, noting in this morning's press conference that the thousands of cars burned in the riots will have to be replaced. Breton says this could lead to economic growth fueled by increased auto sales.