Saturday, January 1, 2000

Excuses for Missing a Day of Work

A contest was held in which readers were asked to come up with excuses to miss a day of work:

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

My stigmata's acting up.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitch hike to the vet.

I prefer to remain an enigma.

My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

In-Flight Humor

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

  1. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
  2. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
  3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
  4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"
  5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
  6. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
  7. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."
  8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
  9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
  10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."
  11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."
  12. This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
  13. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
  14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"
  15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
  16. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

Poor Kid

First grade class comes in from recess.

The teacher asks Alice: "What did you do at recess?"
Alice says, "I played in the sand box."
Teacher says "That's good.  Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."
She does and gets a cookie.

The teacher asks Billy what he did at recess.
Billy says, "I played with Alice in sand box."
Teacher says, "Good.  If you write 'Box' correctly on blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."
Billy does, and gets a cookie.

The teacher then asks Mustaffa Machmoud what he did at recess.
He says, "I tried to play with Alice and Billy, but they threw rocks at me."
Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you?  That sounds like blatant racial discrimination.  If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."

Religious Views of Life

TAOISM: Shit happens.

BUDDHISM: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.

ZEN: What is the sound of shit happening?

HINDUISM: This shit happened before.

ISLAM: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.

PROTESTANTISM: Let shit happen to someone else.

CATHOLICISM: If shit happens, you deserve it.

JUDAISM: Why does this shit always happen to us?

ATHEISM: I don't believe this shit.

AGNOSTICISM: What is this shit?

Internet Wisdom

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.  All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more messed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones who do.

I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends, because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

I've learned to say "F**k 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.

Virus Alert (joke)

If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately.  Do not open it.  Apparently this one is pretty nasty.

It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.

It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.

It will program your phone AutoDial to call only your mother-in-law's number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

It will drink all your beer.

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and belly-button fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears.

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.

It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.

It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles.

It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.  It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

These are just a few signs of infection.


Urgent Virus Alert (joke)

You have just received the "Doogie Virus"!!!
As I don't have any programming experience,
this virus works on the honor system.

Please delete all the files on your hard drive,
then manually forward this virus to everyone on
your mailing list.

Thanks for your cooperation.

Odd State Laws from Around the United States

  • Alabama
    1. It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
  • California
    1. Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.
  • Connecticut
    1. You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.
    2. You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.
  • Florida
    1. Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
    2. A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
    3. If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
    4. It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
    5. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
  • Illinois
    1. It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets.
  • Indiana
    1. Bathing is prohibited during the winter.
    2. Citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house or theater nor ride in a public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic.
  • Iowa
    1. Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.
  • Kentucky
    1. By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground."
    2. It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.
  • Louisana
    1. It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.
    2. Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault."
  • Massachusetts
    1. Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.
    2. Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
    3. An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.

How to Remain Insane at the Workplace

  1. Page yourself over the intercom.  Don't disguise your voice.
  2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.  Wear them one day after your boss does.  This is especially effective if you boss is of a different gender than you.
  3. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names: "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."
  4. Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing.  For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
  5. Highlight your shoes.  Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.
  6. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid.  Call everyone Madge.
  7. Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle.  When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
  8. Put a chair facing a printer.  Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
  9. Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.
  10. Send e-mail back and forth to yourself, engaging yourself in an intellectual debate.  Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
  11. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.
  12. Put your trash can on your desk and label it: IN.
  13. Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
  14. Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom.  When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
  15. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks.  Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

Nerd Humour

Q: How many Internet news-group subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 1,331:
1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
53 to flame the spell checkers.
156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb.
203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we are all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this mail list.
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.
3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.
33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."
12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.
143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

Shakespeare Spin Off: Hokey-Pokey

This year's winner of the Washington Post's invitational writing contest... which asked readers to "submit instructions - for anything - written in the style of a famous person."

The Hokey-Pokey
by William Shakespeare

O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke,
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from Heaven's yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke- banish now thy doubt
Verily. I say, 'tis what it's all about.

Top 15 Pick-Up Lines Used by William Shakespeare

15) "How about a little Puck?"

14) "Of course, 'Romeo and Gertrude' is just a working title.  I might be persuaded to change it for you, M'Lady."

13) "Et tu, Cutie?"

12) "Shall I compare thee to a brick outhouse?"

11) "If I whispered in thine ear that thou hadst a body of beauty unknown but to the heavens, wouldst thou hold it against me?"

10) "Wouldst thou care to join me in forming the beast with two backs?"

9) "My heart, it pines, as my trousers tent."

8) "Without thy companionship, dear lady, I fear I'd spend the evening with pen in hand, if thou knowest what I mean."

7) "Hey, Baby, can Ophelia up?"

6) "Is this a dagger I see before me?  Nay!  I'm merely happy to cast eyes upon thy beauty!"

5) "Greetings to you, fair sailor."

4) "But soft, what light through yonder trousers breaks?"

3) "Wouldst thou away to yon Motel 6 with me?"

2) "O! Prithee sitteth upon my visage, and perchance to let me divine thy weight."

and the Number 1 Pick-Up Line Used by William Shakespeare...

1) "Do me, or not do me.  THAT is the question."

English Second Language

Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
Czechoslovak tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
Swiss mountain inn:
Special today - no ice cream.
Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner, if dressed as a man.
Yugoslav hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaids.
Swiss restaurant menu:
Our wines leave you with nothing to hope for.
Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
Car rental firm brochure in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.  Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
Swedish Furrier:
Furs made for ladies from their own skins.

DHMO The Invisible Killer

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.

Dihydrogen monoxide:

  • is also known as hydroxl acid, and is the major component of acid rain.
  • contributes to the "greenhouse effect."
  • may cause severe burns.
  • contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
  • accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
  • may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.
  • has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

Contamination Is Reaching Epidemic Proportions!

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage in the midwest, and recently California.

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:

  • as an industrial solvent and coolant.
  • in nuclear power plants.
  • in the production of styrofoam.
  • as a fire retardant.
  • in many forms of cruel animal research.
  • in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical.
  • as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food products.

Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

The Horror Must Be Stopped!

The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its "importance to the economic health of this nation." In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.

It's Not Too Late!

Act NOW to prevent further contamination. Find out more about this dangerous chemical. What you don't know can hurt you and others throughout the world.

Comebacks To 'Why Aren't You Married Yet?'

  1. You haven't asked yet.
  2. Because I just love hearing this question.
  3. Just lucky, I guess.
  4. It gives my mother something to live for.
  5. My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole.
  6. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
  7. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
  8. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
  9. It didn't seem worth a blood test.
  10. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
  11. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
  12. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
  13. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
  14. They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
  15. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
  16. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
  17. What?  And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
  18. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
  19. Why aren't you thin?
  20. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.

If a Tree Falls

This is the question:

If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?

Here are some answers:

If a tree falls in the forest...
Catholicism: It fell for our sins.
Judaism: Oy, the tree fell, again?!
Buddhism: There is no tree.
Islam: Islam is not really about knocking over trees.

Fundamentalism: The tree was Evil.
Racism: That kind of tree is always falling.
Plagiarism: That kind of tree is always falling.
Defeatism: All the trees are going to fall.
Pessimism: That is the forest of the fallen tree.
Optimism: Almost all the trees are standing.

Capitalism: Let's sell the wood.
Globalism: Let's sell the wood, half way around the world.
Communism: Let's knock over all the other trees.
Socialism: Let's ask the other trees to fall.
Nepotism: Give the tree to my cousin.
Isolationism: That tree is none of our business, in fact, neither is the forest.

And the one that actually tries to answer the question asked, is...

Quantum Physics: Of course not, by definition.

Annoy Someone in a Stall

  1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
  2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."
  3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
  4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."
  5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit!  My glass eye!"
  6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
  7. Grunt and strain real loud for a few seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of six feet.  Sigh relaxingly.
  8. Say, "Now how did that get in there."
  9. Say, "Humus.  Reminds me of humus."
  10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew.  Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbor's while yelling, "Whoa!  Easy boy!"
  11. Say, "Interesting............. more floaters than sinkers."
  12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall of your neighbor.  Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"
  13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy!  Don't fall asleep on me now."
  14. Fill a balloon with cream corn.  Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about.  Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.
  15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggott."
  16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small.  Now what am I gonna do?"
  17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
  18. Before you un-roll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
  19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
  20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."